The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant — and succinct — wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. To celebrate 2016, we’ve rounded up 50 of the funniest tweets from women from this past year.
Scroll below to read some truly laugh-out-loud tweets from some wonderful women.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
— Elspeth (@elspetheastman) September 18, 2016
i like my men like i like my coffee: just kidding i don’t like men
— ¯(◉‿◉)/¯ (@zoejokes) February 17, 2016
Sitting in a room with my husband and kids… Suddenly I realise everyone here has been in my vagina. Wow
— Ruqayyah (@onenawtigeh) January 11, 2016
There was a lost bro at the train station this morning. I put a little bowl of Gatorade out for him & alerted the nearest frat.
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 10, 2016
If you’re a male pundit critiquing a woman’s weight you should have to do it shirtless in front of an audience of women three rosés deep
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) September 29, 2016
oh, my blush? it’s called “i’ve had five glasses of wine”
— marissa a. ross (@MarissaARoss) February 18, 2016
Sometimes I think I am confident but last night I instinctively apologized to stairs so there is still the tiniest bit of room for growth
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) February 19, 2016
[1789, woman opens beautifully wrapped hand delivered message] Oh my…yet another gentleman caller has sent me his penis portrait…
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) February 22, 2016
I need to stop doing Parkour thru my house. This Ikea furniture can’t handle me.
— Luwanda (@LuwandaJenkins) January 27, 2016
in what section of my resume do I put drinking wine in the shower special skills or work experience
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) January 26, 2016
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
— secret agent mandik (@rachelle_mandik) January 21, 2016
Are we all ready to admit that “don’t tell ANYONE” means you can tell exactly one person
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 9, 2016
White dudes who go jogging after 11 PM are just bragging.
— Jazmine Hughes (@jazzedloon) June 9, 2016
18 years later, which Sex and the City character are you? I am the myth that writing one weekly column can financially sustain you.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) June 9, 2016
“Where’d you meet him?”
“On the Internet. I fell in love with him because of the delicate care he used to explain my joke back to me.”
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 15, 2016
There’s a special place in hell for girls who don’t tell other girls where they bought their outfit.
— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) May 25, 2016
You can complain all you want about women taking selfies; we aren’t the ones naming our children our own exact fucking names.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) May 25, 2016
You Tube is great when you want to learn anyone can be famous but most people shouldn’t be.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 31, 2016
Who else panics when they’re stopped next to a school bus because teens could possibly be in there roasting you
— 🗣❤️ (@jodecicry) May 10, 2016
Brian Wilson: Honey.
His wife: Don’t do it.
BW: Hey, honey.
His wife: I’m serious.
BW: ……..You ain’t married to no average Beach Boy.
— Lauren O’Neal (@laureneoneal) May 5, 2016
Behind every strong woman is 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) April 25, 2016
I need to be able to sing the line “who runs the world” and immediately hear “girls” or honestly I don’t feel safe in that space
— Stephanie Mickus (@smickable) May 16, 2016
“Nipples killed my parents, and I’ll be damned if anyone else should ever have to see those murderers again” -the founder of Instagram
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) April 5, 2016
Sorry I can’t come to your party. The one shirt I feel cute in is dirty; there’s literally nothing I can do.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 1, 2016
Look it’s fine to troll me but don’t you dare put yr hateful email in Comic Sans
— Sam Escobar (@myhairisblue) April 1, 2016
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 30, 2016
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
— Living Marble (@living_marble) April 14, 2016
This Guy Went Undercover To See What It’s *Really* Like Online For Women Because People Don’t Take Them At Their Word Anyway He’s A Hero
— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) March 17, 2016
adulthood is emailing “sorry for the delayed response!” back and forth until one of you dies
— Marissa Miller (@Marissa__Miller) February 26, 2016
life hack: if you cry in your uber pool they don’t pick anyone else up
— hot car gatorade szn (@allstn) June 21, 2016
As a transgender woman, I can empathize with online trolls because I, too, have an extremely tiny dick.
— Avery Edison (@aedison) July 20, 2016
friend: how are things?
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016
list of things im handling well currently
— psycho (@invalid) August 22, 2016
Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg
“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”
Me: *grabs another donut & runs*
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 29, 2016
I saw my legacy revealed today when my kid stopped on our walk home to dig a candy wrapper out of a leaf pile “in case there was any left.”
— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) September 10, 2016
I feel like “Autumn” is just Fall’s stripper stage name
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) September 23, 2016
if you’re anxious and you know it clap your hands (but not too loudly because that might cause other people to view you as a disturbance)
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) October 14, 2016
ladies: the day after Halloween, don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth when men tell you to smile
— Sammy Nickalls (@sammynickalls) October 28, 2016
ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.
— Anna Fitzpatrick (@bananafitz) May 4, 2016
I’m not an asshole, I’m just alt-nice.
— Andi Zeisler (@andizeisler) November 22, 2016
jesus be a bottle of wine with a really, really tall straw inside
— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) December 1, 2016
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) November 17, 2016
Cat: omg ew ur obsessed with me
— Jillian Gutowitz (@jillboard) January 27, 2016
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