Me: I don’t know why my kids are so competitive!
Also me: Hey kids, Let’s turn everything into a race so you’ll do it faster.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 7, 2016
4-year-old: *makes a toy car do flips*
Me: Real cars don’t do that.
4: They will for me.
I’ll let my wife teach her to drive.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 8, 2016
Hey thanks for mailing me a hard copy of your family Christmas photo that you already posted on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 6, 2016
My love for my kids is infinite.
My patience, energy, time, cash, and coffee supply are not.
Every parent ever
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 7, 2016
6yo: I don’t like being by myself!
Me: I do.
6yo: When were you alone?
M: The last time was about six years ago.
*stares son down*
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 8, 2016
My kids got off to school this morning without crying so it looks like I got my Christmas miracle a little early.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 6, 2016
Isn’t dealing with kids in the morning impossible enough without adding a treasure hunt for an Elf doll?
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) December 8, 2016
Parenthood for $800.
Alex: The answer is EVERY DAY.
Me: What is “How often do my kids break things?”
A: That is correct!
Crowd goes wild.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) December 9, 2016
1st child goals: all food is homemade, do several Mommy and Me classes, hover so she doesn’t get hurt
2nd: get most of lint off fruit snack
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 5, 2016
When I was a kid I would never have believed how much parenting in 2016 involves finding missing iPad chargers.
— Mamatoga (@Mamatoga) December 6, 2016
Just once, I want to wake up with the same sense of renewed optimism my 5yo has as he requests candy for breakfast for the 25th day in a row
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 6, 2016
I love that cute married thing we do where we can’t wait until he gets home from work & I put kids to bed so we can talk about work & kids.
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 6, 2016
I’ve reached the point in parenting where I look forward to going to the dentist as if it’s a spa day.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) December 9, 2016
My kids tried to teach me how to play Pokémon. As far as I can tell the rules are there are no rules and I’m always supposed to lose.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) December 8, 2016
Get one of those pre-lit trees where you can change the color of the lights, so your kids can have more festive arguments this Christmas.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 5, 2016
When my kid’s being a total Cranky McCrankyface I’ve streamlined my response to a flat stare and saying “Christmas. Presents.”
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) December 9, 2016
My toddler realized I keep my feminine products hidden & assumed they must be treasure.
She’s been guarding a box of tampons all night.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) December 8, 2016
I had a dream last night that I found a bunch of my sons’ missing left socks in case you wanted to know what living on the edge feels like.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 8, 2016
When I feel really daring, I play a scarier version of Russian Roulette where I try to put away my kids’ laundry while they’re sleeping.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) December 6, 2016
Kiddo’s sick, so she’s sleeping with mommy. That means baby girl’s with me.
How can someone so small kick so hard? And take up a whole bed?
— ❄Jacques Frost❄ (@jnyemb) December 8, 2016
4- *hysterical screaming* HELP I NEED HELP MOM!
*run frantically to kitchen*
Me- WHATS WRONG!
4- My banana opened funny.
— Court (@Discourt) December 8, 2016